Trigger Warning: Mental Health, Depression, Anxiety
It’s been a harsh winter – certainly the harshest I’ve ever experienced. Mediterranean Island winters are a different kind of harsh, but I’m used to that. Back home, cold weather means anything under 10°C, but the humidity is normally above 90%, so you’re freezing whether you’re inside or outdoors.
The porous limestone that our homes are built with feels wet and cold to the touch, while the darker corners of a room start growing smelly dark green or black mould – mould that can also be found inside wardrobes, closets, and drawers in poorly-ventilated rooms. During a Maltese winter, you can put on layers upon layers of clothes, but the humidity will seep through, and you’ll be left shivering as your body tries to warm up, anyway.
Luckily, in Malta the sun shines about 300 days a year, and when you find yourself that serotonin-inducing patch of sunshine on those short but brutal winter days, you can still feel the warm rays washing over you like a gentle balm.
Alberta’s winters are a new experience that came as a bit of a shock. Once the temperature started dropping below 10°C, I prepared myself for the cold, but it didn’t come. Being a dry province means that the temperature here is not the same as it is back home. So, I was pleasantly surprised when I found myself walking around in just a comfy hoodie and jeans.
Then the temperature started rapidly dropping further: 8°, 4°, 0°, -2°…
One day, on one of our daily walks, I realized my face and ears were beginning to hurt, so I started wearing my mask while walking outside and made sure I always had a beanie on. Then my hands started to hurt until I could no longer feel my fingers, after which I always kept thick gloves in my jacket pockets. Eventually, the temperature reached an insane -30°C, and even when I left the house wearing 3 layers, a scarf, beanie, gloves, and thermal pants underneath my jeans or thick joggers, I’d come home barely feeling my legs. My thighs would be frozen and looked badly sunburnt, while the skin began to itch fiercely as my legs very slowly thawed out. I found myself eternally grateful at the fact that every building is heated, here.
Even our pup, equipped with boots, a woolly shirt, and a thick thermal jacket, would just stand there shivering miserably.
The long walks stopped after that.
And that’s when I realized just how important those daily walks had become for my sanity and general mental health.
When I envisioned myself in Canada, I imagined daily, year-round hikes and walks, playing and being silly in the snow and enjoying the different seasons (much like those Hollywood movie scenes where people are having snowball fights while upbeat music is playing, and everyone is laughing uncontrollably – which I now realize is a very romanticized idea of what Canadian winters are like).
I’ve watched YouTube videos of people hiking and even camping in freezing conditions, and I never thought that the cold would be a problem. As it turns out, I cannot handle the cold. A part of me chalks it up to being generally unprepared and not having the right clothing and gear for adventuring in minus degree weather, but I also just really dislike the intense cold, and having to wear bulky clothes on top of hundreds of layers.
Our walks became shorter and shorter, until we were only going around a couple of blocks for 15 minutes every day. At first, I thought Chappie would protest and try making the walks longer, but as it turns out, he couldn’t stand the chilly weather either and he would pull us back towards home as soon as he was done with his business.
And that’s when I noticed my mind start to retreat into the darkness a little more often. I would wake up and go to bed feeling empty, sad, and generally experiencing a lot of negative thoughts towards life and myself. Some days, just getting out of bed and taking a shower seemed impossible. It took me a while to make the connection that I was feeling a lot lighter and happier when we were going on regular long walks. I still had bouts of depression, but it seemed easier to pull myself out of them when I could go out and enjoy some fresh air.
So, when I say it’s been a harsh winter, I mean it in every possible sense.
Eventually, I started forcing myself to go on a few long walks here and there, even when I couldn’t feel my legs from the cold anymore, simply because despite the physical pain and discomfort, my mind would still feel a lot more clear, lighter, and generally happier.
And that’s why I’m determined for things to be different next winter.
I realized that I have two options: I can either feel sorry for myself and allow myself to spiral every winter simply because it’s freezing outside, or I can do what other people do, and brave the cold (this time, armed with more knowledge and better clothing – I hope!) I’ve been doing research into the best clothing, gear, and brands for winter hiking, both for myself and Eric, and also for our pup, so that we can start enjoying those unforgiving, but gorgeous Canadian winter days, too!
And hopefully, winter won’t feel quite so harsh anymore.
Stay tuned to find out how that goes!
If you or anyone you know are struggling with feelings of anxiety or depression, please speak to someone you trust, and call your local mental health crisis helpline
Feature Image: Dominik Dombrowski on Unsplash
Islander Abroad 